The Comeback Kid Says Goodbye

Well, as for my writing daily…… not so much.  My typical pattern is to write it, read it, edit it, then delete it.  All the while listening to the inner voice that screams ‘it’s horrible, no one cares’.  Well today, I return.

I have been inspired by the writings of my current Pastor and also reading a book given to me by my previous pastor.  The fact that both Pastors chose the same book at different times speaks volumes to me.

I hope to write more about the book later this week.  Today, I need to honor someone very special in my life.  On February 17th, my friend Thomas passed away.  A month has now passed and the lasting effects are beginning to sink in.  I am not a skilled writer by any means but I need someone to know what Thomas means to me.

I met Thomas back in 1991 in Texas.  We didn’t hang out very much then but we did make each other laugh when we were together.  Thomas, his friend Jason, and I quickly became great friends.

Soon afterwards, I ended up in a very abusive relationship.  I called Thomas one day and by the sound of my voice, he knew there was trouble.  Within an hour, he and Jason came screeching up to my driveway and said ‘get in girl, we’re taking you out’.  I somehow knew that everything would be ok. (and it was)

Over the years, we took vacations together, danced, drank, shopped, sobered up, grew up and most importantly, laughed together.  Jason and Thomas were undeniably my best friends.  And even though at times we have lived together, around the corner from each other, and even on differently sides of the country, we were still family.  Jason and I still live just 10 miles from each other.

Yesterday was Thomas’s birthday.  If I am truthful with you, it hurts much more that I imagined it would.  I am so very grateful to have known him and that I will one day see him again.

So how does this tie in with being a gay Christian? For me, it starts with being grateful for the gifts that I have been given.  I fully believe in grace. If I had been given what I ‘deserved’, who knows how my life would have turned out.  My life is so full today with friends, family, and a God who loves me just as I am.  And, on top of everything else, I have a guardian angel who knows all the words to Dreamgirls.

I hope you know you are loved!

Don’t forget: Whosoever means YOU!!!

I am going to stop and publish before I delete the whole piece.  If something offends you grammatically, please pass just a little more of that grace down to me.

DG Rehearsal 1992

Thomas' Birthday trip 2009

TRULY THANKFUL

I haven’t posted for a while.  I fell into a dangerous trap of worrying too much about what others might think of my posts.  I would write, edit, and the ultimately delete the post.  No more!

First of all, I love the holidays.  This time of year carries such joy and potential for me.  I have to be careful though not to fall into the trap of worrying if my gifts will be appreciated, will I have a date for New Years, will I be able to see my family and friends, etc.  The list goes on and on and on.

Sometimes I have to just take things down a few notches and just look at what is before me.  At this moment, I am preparing to lose my job and possibly move.  However, I am completely at peace with the whole situation.  I am so grateful that this gift of peace has been given to me.  I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.

My goal this week is to love more, notice more, help others more, and to be truly thankful for all the blessings that God has given to me.

May God bless you and your loved ones, whomever they may be, during this holiday season.

The prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Can I get an AMEN?

A Simple Children’s Song

To be honest from the start, this has been a very tough week for me.  I just haven’t really felt like myself.  When I see more suicides and discrimination like what has happened this week, my natural inclination is just to crawl back into bed and pull the covers up over my head.

On Wednesday, I did just that.  I was physically feeling so bad that I took a sick day from work and just slept.  While this course of action provided temporary relief, I knew it would ultimately not solve the problem.  I needed to take action.  For me, action meant that I needed to take the necessary steps to get my health back on track and to trust that God would walk with me through any adversity that would come my way.

Just like Charlie Brown, whenever I feel called,  I want to say ‘Why me God? I am certainly not the most qualified person for the job.’  I have learned over the years that being willing to help can be much more useful than being qualified but unable to help.  And just as the voice answered to Charlie Brown, my name came up so now it is time for me to answer whatever the call might be.

We will never fully know how we touch people on a daily basis.  This interaction can have a positive, neutral, or negative impact on someone’s life.  We will also never know just who is praying for us.  These wonderful people are praying for our life, our guidance, and our needs.  So when I feel called and my name comes up, I can trust that I am doing what I am called to do.

Words cannot express how saddened I am by the recent suicides among the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered youth of today.  While I know that this course of action has been happening as long as I can remember, I am actually happy about the amount of coverage this issue is finally receiving.

Being bullied in school is nothing new.  Nor is being ostracized because you are or appear to be different from the rest.  I can honestly say that I once thought of suicide as a means of escape.  I couldn’t change what I was feeling but I seemed to be the only one who felt like this.

I accept the fact that we are all human and the world is a much different place today than it was in my youth. But, the one place where I thought I could find help, comfort, and guidance was the one place where I felt the most isolated.  This place was my home church.  I have extremely positive memories of my church but I also know what it is like to sit in a room full of Christians and feel completely alone.

Still to this day, when certain people tell me that my ‘lifestyle choice’ is due to some action on my part, I want to scream on the inside.  Didn’t I sit on the same pew as you, hear the same sermons, and participate in the same youth trips?  When did that old wonderful hymn change from ‘Just As I Am’ to ‘Only If You Become’?

Please understand, I am not angry or resentful, I merely wish to point out that we may not fully know the person who sits beside us every Sunday.  But, God knows each of us by name and exactly who we are and who we are called to be.

My prayer today is to be of service using whatever skills I have to the best of my ability.  All the while realizing that the gifts I have been given are on loan to me.  Some times these gifts are on a use-it-or-lose-it basis.  So, If I can help one person know that God does love them and you are welcome in church, my life will be complete.   I think the best way to sum this up is with a hymn that speaks to me still today.

Jesus loves me this I know,
For the bible tells me so,
Little ones to him belong,
they are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus Loves Me
Yes, Jesus Loves Me
Yes, Jesus Loves Me
The bible tells me so.

A Note About Music

As I prepare for tonight’s choir rehearsal, I can’t help but be aware of just how much I love music.  Music is such an integral part of my life. I love to hear an engaging speaker or preacher but it’s music that really bring my soul to life.

Recently I found a quote stating “He who sings well prays twice”.  I could not agree more.
This quote is widely attributed to the monk St Augustine of Canterbury.   For me, singing well, is more than just having a pleasing sound.  Singing well can mean singing with all your heart and soul.  I am well known for singing loud and performing a song in my car while driving.  While others text, I belt.  Don’t judge! 

I have started a project that causes me to really take the time to recognize and then organize the music that moves me.  I am asking myself why I like a certain song. I have found that it is not any one style of music or one performer, but rather a connection with the music itself, that moves my soul.

Praise and worship music is the one connection that I am having the most often.  I can sing ‘Shout to the Lord’ with the best of them (at least in my car).  I will admit that in my 6 disk CD player you will find the following artists: Broadway Cares, Hillsong, Chris Tomlin, Kirk Franklin, Dwayne Britton, and Dolly Parton.  I just love Dolly’s song ‘Here You Come Again’.

Music allows me to express my inner most despair and joy.  Darlene Zschech wrote ‘Shout to the Lord’ for a 1997 HillSong CD.  This song is played very loudly in my car on both good and bad days of my life.  My goal in life is to spend more time gratefully shouting TO the Lord rather than shouting requests and complaints AT the Lord.

I hope that all who read this blog know that they are loved, prayed for, and have a friend.

Ken

Psalm 100
Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are His people, the sheep of His pasture. Enter His gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name. For the LORD is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.

Now what do you say?

“Now what do you say to Grandma?” we ask.    ”Thank you” chimes the child.  This is a practice repeated over and over again until, hopefully, it becomes second nature. However, the older we get, the more we seem to forget this valuable lesson.  We must remember that we are never too old to say please and thank you.

As I prepare for bed I am reminded of all of the many gifts in my life.  When I get discouraged and feel somehow less than others, a simple gratitude list always seems to restore my focus.  Tonight my prayer is two fold.  I wish to say please show me Your will in my life and thank you for all the wonderful loved ones in my life today.

May you know peace, serenity, and the love of the true God,

Ken

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. ~ Melody Beattie

Baseball Cards

In the “Charlie Brown Christmas” special, Lucy tells Schroeder that Beethoven “wasn’t so great”.   Her reasoning is that Beethoven has never been on a bubble gum card and that one cannot be considered great without appearing on one.

However Lucy, I don’t want to get slugged but I beg to differ.  Over the years I have learned just how great my God really is.  I now know for a fact that there are so many things I don’t know.  I don’t know what tomorrow holds or why yesterday happened the way that I did.  I can only go with what I have personally seen, heard, and experienced.   One verse that has always given me great comfort is Romans 8:28 (New Living Translation)

And we know that God causes everything to work togetherfor the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.

For me, nothing can separate us from God’s love.  If I keep my eyes open and my heart focused on what I am called to do, then I am right where I need to be at this point on my journey.  I try to remember that when I can’t trace God’s hand, I can trust His heart.

Our God is truly great!

A one-legged God?

Well, I made it to day two and I am finding myself much more excited about this than I originally expected.

I spent last night spinning in my head over the possible ramifications of this blog.  What if I lose even more friends? What impact will this have on my family?  The list goes on and on and on.  But with the feedback I received last night and this morning, I still feel that this is the next right step on my journey.

Why should I care what you think?  This blog is for me right?  Well that sounds good in theory but it isn’t always the honest truth.  Of course I would like to be loved and welcomed by all.  Who wouldn’t want to just sit back and watch as all our our daily conflict somehow just disappears.  This, for me,  is not reality this time.

What is my reality? Well, if I am to be completely honest with you, I tend to miss many joyous moments due to the fact that I am constantly waiting for the ‘other shoe’ to drop.   I exclaim “Life simply can’t be this good.  There must be something terrible about to happen and so I need to be prepared.”  This mentality can be very draining and expensive at times.

About a year ago I heard someone talk about a one-legged God.  This intrigued and provoked me at the same time.  “My God is perfect!” griped my inner Christian.  As usual, I was slow to listen and quick to judge.  This combination hasn’t served anyone well yet we continue to do it day after day.

What I learned from my friend was a new way to look at the God of my understanding.  Simply put, if my God has only one leg, there aren’t any other shoes that will drop.  What if God simply wants me to feel happy, joyous, and free today.  Are we willing to accept a good day? Are we willing to accept that, for today, we are right where are supposed to be?

I really want to try. So, for now, I will not to look towards the sky in anticipation of bad news.  And, if I do slip and start to look for impending doom, I will realign my focus and look for the love in my life.  I will take the time to try and enjoy my situation at this moment; happy, joyous, and free.

Ken